Relationships Require Making a Sacrifice

There were so many outstanding ideas presented at the SmartMarriages Conference I recently attended.  I’d like to tell you about one particular presentation by Scott Stanley, entitled “The Paradox of Sacrifice,” that really stood out.  Sometimes, the very same concept can get stated in a slightly different way and it really rings true.  (By the way -- that’s an important communication skill to remember: if you say something and your partner doesn’t seem to be getting your point, say it differently.)

Stanley stated that making a sacrifice means choosing to give up something for the benefit of your partner.  The reason he calls it a paradox is because if when you're giving, you're focused on what you'll be getting back, then you're less likely to get what you want.  Said differently, when you don't focus on getting back, but act selflessly, you're more likely to get what you want.  But that cannot be the intent!

He also distinguished sacrifice from commitment.  According to him, the latter is making a choice to give up other choices.  In sacrifice, one lets go of his or her self-interest for the good of the relationship.  However, you can’t be the only one in the partnership making this gesture. 

Some parallels

If you’re reading my other blogs, you realize that he’s saying the same thing as some others -- each of you has to put your mate’s needs first.

Interestingly, there are also some biological differences in this area as well. Until a man has made a commitment, he won’t sacrifice himself as much as a woman.  But when he finally does commit, his sacrifice is stronger.  Conversely, due to the hormone, oxytocin, a woman will form an attachment that will allow her to sacrifice sooner in the relationship but she will then proceed slower.

Here’s another common theme that was mentioned in this workshop as well as others -- it’s the little things that matter.  Some of the suggestions he made were the following:

Be more aware of your partner
Accept your mate’s quirks
Listen when your partner is speaking
Be willing to forgive transgressions or imperfections
Do something your mate would like to do for fun
Express gratefulness

Additionally, Stanley mentioned that a sacrifice would mean that these gestures would be made without letting the other person know you are doing them.

What it boils down to

So, what does all this mean?  Clearly, a relationship has to be attended to if it’s going to be satisfying.  Yes, there’s work to be done after you decide to commit!  And, I think it’s fair to say that if you stay in a partnership where you're doing all of the giving and getting nothing back, then it is not a healthy relationship.  Even when there’s an imbalance because one partner gives way too much, it’s generally indicative of some underlying unhealthy issue.

But it is really important that when you give, you give selflessly, you give in accordance to what the other person needs rather than the way you see the world, and that you are not giving with the intention of getting something back -- or at least not tit for tat.

Many of you may disagree with Stanley and believe that this is all really part of making a commitment to another rather than calling it a sacrifice.  My question is: “Does it matter what you call it?”  To me, what’s important is that you know that you can make the choice to take steps to act differently and that those actions can make a difference.  And what’s more, the actions are within you and not ones that require more than basic caring.

So, what will you do to improve your relationship?  Will you make a sacrifice?  Will you make the commitment?  Will you make the choice?  It truly is your choice to make!