Right-Brain Women, Left-Brain Men

Just when you thought you were finally learning to communicate as a couple, there’s a whole lot of media about research indicating the differences in the brains of men and women.  The truth is that this research is not all that new -- but it certainly does have meaning in relationship work.

In case you haven’t been privy to the news, here are some of the basic findings:

* Women and men process information very differently.  When people of different genders, but of equal intelligence, are asked to solve a problem, our technology is able to scan their brains.  The findings are that though they both come up with the same correct answer, the manner in which they do so is different.

* At a very early age, girls go to bathrooms together in order to share the exchange of personal information.  This sharing increases their “feel good” hormones.

* Women’s brains are wired to respond to more subtle non-verbal cues.  They also use 20,000 forms of communication a day (verbal and non-verbal) as compared to a male’s typical 7,000!

* Men’s brains are slightly larger in size but women’s brain’s have more neural connections. 

* Men use one hemisphere to process information while women use both.

How it plays out

So, what does this all mean in terms of relationships?  Well, I think the biggest factor is that couples have to recognize that, plain out -- we are different. 

So, when a guy isn’t giving the nurturing response his woman would like, it really isn’t because he doesn’t care.  It’s also why he may not notice the subtle changes in a woman’s behavior or bids for attention a woman is giving off.  Or, if he notices them, unless there’s a direct request, he lets it go.  He can -- he’s a man.

And when a woman wants something from her mate, she has to learn to be direct -- forget the hints and the long intros.  After a few sentences, what he hears is, “Blah, blah, blah.”

These differences also show up in the nuances of arguing.  She’ll bring up things from "forever ago."  That’s because of all of her connected neural circuitry.  That’s why after the argument, he can go to sleep while she tosses and turns for hours.  And, of course, the timing of make-up sex is on very different schedules!

I’d even go as far to say that when people get triggered from their past, women will tend to be more expressive in their emotions while men will react by shutting down and withdrawing.

Making your relationship work

Does every couple function this way?  No!  Clearly, these are stereotypical.  But long before this research, I had plenty of anecdotal evidence that pointed to these same results.  What I find interesting is that when couples know this, it provides some relief -- no one is intentionally hurting the other.

I don’t see this as an excuse for just letting things be.  Rather, I feel it affords a couple the opportunities to learn about their partner.  Just because we’re different doesn’t mean we can’t learn to respect and honor one another.  Respect is the #1 factor to a solid relationship.

Vive le difference!