Saying Hello

First, I would like to thank those of you who posted comments to my last blog expressing your support and warm wishes -- they were very much appreciated and helpful.  It is true what is said about support helping in times of stress.

This past week has been a very overwhelming one.  The obvious, of course, is the sadness in the loss of a great man. 

In the Jewish tradition, our burials are usually supposed to occur within 24 hours of death followed by a week of shiva where family and friends come to support the mourners as they heal.  Not to sound too ethnocentric, I truly believe this is a very civilized practice.

Unfortunately, because of the Passover holiday, we had to delay the burial for several days and it was very trying on all of us.  Shiva also was not observed in the traditional ritualistic religious way -- we “received visitors.”

The funeral, normally lasting 40 minutes, ran for one hour and ten minutes.  It truly was a wonderful tribute.  My father-in-law was a retired Supreme Court Judge and there were two rows of robed judges among a fully packed chapel.  There were seven different speakers all offering their perspective of this 5’7” giant of a man.  A folded flag commemorating him as a Commander-in-Chief in WWII was presented to his sons.

The outpouring of the visitors to our home, where shiva took place, was amazing.  And it is this situation that I especially want to focus on in this posting.  I do so because not only do I know that what happened is a statement of Dad’s legacy but it is also what I so strongly in my heart believe is the lesson from all of this.

Among the people who rallied to our side were family members whom we have not seen for years.  There have been various reasons -- life gets in the way, miscommunications and misunderstandings, hurt feelings, distant members of whom we really never knew. 

At one point, I saw the children of cousins whom I had not seen for at least 14 years -- they are grown men now.  If I had passed them on the street, I would not have known who they were.  Tears immediately came to my eyes.  How sad -- all those wasted years!

And yet -- in these moments of loss, we reached across our differences. We looked into one another’s eyes.  We hugged.  There is a bond. 

Unfortunately, some in the family keep looking back at the loss and resort to “coulda’, woulda’, shoulda’.”  Yes, of course, there are always mistakes and things from the past that could have been differently.  Hindsight always has the advantage of 20/20 vision.  

Perhaps this is a little like a honeymoon phase.  And I am not in such a fog to think that everyone is perfect or that the very warm feelings will continue with the intensity that was expressed.  Far from it.  And if relationships are to continue, they will have to be worked at.

The lesson

I have come to a point in my life where I can accept that everyone, including myself, has limitations.  It’s important to be able to see “the whole” of the person, to focus on the positive.  Nobody can, nor should they be expected to meet all your needs.  When people disappoint you, it is likely because the expectations are not the same based on your different histories -- not because they purposely meant to hurt you.

Clearly, there are some people from your past who are so toxic that you cannot have anything to do with them.  But still it is important to let go of the anger so that you can move on with living.  Let go of the negative. 

Even Dad had shortcomings.  But he left us with a great deal of wonderful memories, mostly his strength of character.  Family was very important to him.  And so even in his passing, he continues to leave his mark.

Though I am very sad, I am also grateful for having known him and for what I have gained back in this last week.

Thank you all for allowing me to share this with you for in doing so it is helping me in the healing process.