The Nuances of Language in Your Relationship

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     One of the main roles I see myself playing when I work with couples is that of a translator.  Generally, that’s because each party is so upset that their emotions are getting in the way of clear thinking.  Each one is not able to really hear what the other one is saying.

But there’s another reason that this happens as well.  As I’ve often stated, even if the two of you share many commonalities, you’re still going to have differences in your styles because you were raised in different households.  You’ve picked up, in your early years, how your family expresses love.  And so, when you become part of a couple, you will give to your partner in the way you know how to; in the manner in which you were brought up.

The mismatch

As loving as your gestures might be, it is quite possible that they will not “speak to” or resonate with your mate if the same style of expression was not used in his or her family.  It is as if you are speaking two different languages. 

As a matter of fact, Dr. Gary Chapman has written a book, “The Five Languages of Love,” describing this phenomenon.  He states that love can be articulated in these forms: words, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch.

I’m reminded of a couple who ended up very frustrated every time one of them had a birthday.  Each would lovingly give to the other -- but in the way they wanted to be given to rather than the manner in which the recipient preferred.  Needless to say, the response was less than enthusiastic!

Now what?

So, the question becomes: “How can you figure out what your mate wants?  What will satisfy your significant other?”  There are several ways to find this out.  Observe what he or she gives to you.  Or, notice what complaints he or she makes.  Of course, the easiest and best way to solve this dilemma would be to ask directly: “In what way would you be happiest?”

It’s also important to note that this concept also applies when there’s been some damage and people are expressing their remorse.  Their different forms of expression will show up in the manner in which they try to make amends.  Not everyone is going to say the words, “I’m sorry.” 

Years ago, I worked with a mother and daughter who used to get into terrible battles.  The mother reported that they’d have a fight and she never felt that her daughter cared.  But when I spoke with the daughter, I found quite the opposite.  In fact, she suffered greatly at an emotional level.  She said that after things calmed down, she would attempt to make her mother a cup of tea as a peace offering.  I had to explain to the mother that this gesture was the daughter’s way of apologizing.

Relationships are hard enough.  The more you can understand each other’s style of communication, the more you will be able to derive happiness with your mate!