The Relationship Dance

After being in practice for so many years, it’s quite amazing how many of the patterns between couples are the same from couple to couple.  And though those of us who specialize in relationships have known that the genders behave differently, there is more and more research that indicates these variations are, in fact, biological!

I believe there are some of you who read this blog that also get my newsletter; and so, some of what you will read in today’s post will be redundant to my latest mailing.  I apologize.  However, I believe the information is so significant that I didn’t want the rest of you to not be privy to it.  (By the way, if you’re not on my newsletter email list, why not sign up?  It comes out once a month and has some great relationship tips!  You can get on by going to www.drkarensherman.com)

The difference between men and women

In a previous post, I did speak about gender differences.  I have always known that men are very sensitive.  I have generally found that men are very concerned about feelings of inadequacy and that a great deal of the problems in relationships is due to the fact that they back away from women because of this feeling. But then women feel like they’re left holding the bag, their emotions totally not understood.

Recently, I read a terrific book, “How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It” by Love & Stosny.  Great title!  In it, the authors point out that most men experience shame and women feel fear of being alone.  They are pretty much saying the same thing. 

But they go on to explain that just like women are biologically hypersensitive to emotion and will therefore be more reactive to emotions, men are hypersensitive to stimulation.  So, when a man feels over-stimulated, a hormone is released that tells his body something negative is happening.  As a result, a male will do any number of things: withdraw, attack, stonewall.  Sound familiar?

Naturally, these reactions are maddening to a woman.  She, being emotionally reactive (which is far too stimulating for him), feels abandoned.  What does she do?  Well, if she’s the stereotypical woman, she goes after him in some way: nagging, talking, or crying.

The two-step

That’s where the “dance” begins.  But unfortunately it just goes round and round in circles with neither partner feeling satisfied.  What’s worse, neither partner feels understood.  With a biological explanation, the bad news is: “it is what it is.”  The good news is: no one is trying to intentionally hurt the other.  You’re just different!

Hopefully, as you become more educated about these facts and willing to accept these differences, it will be easier to also learn how to work with the opposite gender.  Relationships do take work.  But by understanding that your mate cannot be and act the same as you and requires a different approach, lots of possibilities are now open.  As I often say, “You cannot change someone else; you can only change your reaction!”

I truly believe that these kinds of facts are wonderfully useful in helping us to appreciate one another.  Learn the steps and you won’t be stepping on each other’s toes so much as you do your dance!