Till Death Do Us Part

In light of the recent news, especially since I am a New Yorker, I felt I could not ignore the subject of Eliot Spitzer’s actions.  Though, clearly, he is not someone who stands alone -- many other high profile people have stood in his shoes.

The media went crazy.  Even I was quoted in the local Long Island paper.  So many theories, so many commentaries, so many re-runs of the same pictures.  The various ideas I heard put forth ranged from “What was he thinking?” to the anthropological explanation of his skull clearly showing he has a great deal of testosterone.  And, of course, put forth was the idea that men in power seem to think they are above getting caught.

Then there is the aspect of the wives.  Clearly, Mrs. Spitzer looked awful.  Why wouldn’t she?  Yet, there she was standing by his side.  Mrs. McGreevey publicly offered to be available to talk to Mrs. Spitzer.  Lousy club to belong to.

All different shapes and sizes

But here’s what I want to tell you.  There are many types of infidelities.  Clearly, the type of indiscretions committed by Spitzer is the ones you usually think of.  But when you humiliate your mate publicly, you have also done something that has been a breach in your relationship.  Likewise is the situation where your partner has exposed him or herself to you and you later throw this back at him or her.  As a matter of fact, I was once at a workshop where the speaker indicated that the last two situations are more damaging to a relationship than the typical affair.

Then there is the financial infidelity.  This is a topic that has come more into the forefront of recent.  When one partner uses monies in ways that the other is unaware, there is a breach in the trust of the relationship.  Here are some examples: spending on items but hiding the amount spent, taking monies out to invest without your partner knowing, borrowing against your retirement plan without discussion between the two of you.  People who have had this happen in their relationship suffer a terrible sense of betrayal.

Then there are those relationships where one partner is using drugs or alcohol to a degree that is not known to the partner.  Again, the trust is rocked.

It’s hard to maintain a relationship when trust isn’t there.  After all, trust is one of the basic building blocks of a partnership.

There is hope

But here’s the good news.  Healing can take place.  Often, any of these situations I’ve described are symptoms of underlying problems.  It the couple wants to maintain their relationship and do the healing work, the relationship can be saved.  In all honesty, the work is hard -- not only is there a lot of pain but there’s usually lots of shame.  These are not feelings that just go away with the passing of time.  They must be dealt with directly.

The Spitzers have along road ahead of them.  Because they are in the public eye, it is that much more stressful.  But, again, if the couple is willing to work, they often have a stronger marriage than they did prior to the “incident.”  No doubt, the media will let us know what happens!