True Relationship Intimacy

Being humans, there are several things that separate our relationships from those of lower species.  One of those is the ability to be intimate.  Now you might be thinking, “Well, that’s not really true -- animals can be intimate with each other.”  But I’m not referring to physical intimacy.  Rather, I’m discussing emotional intimacy.

But what is emotional intimacy exactly?  After all, it’s hard to work towards something if you don’t know what it is.  As far as I’m concerned, when a couple shares this kind of closeness, they have a very special bond.

A description

Basically, to be emotionally intimate with your partner means being truly open -- not being afraid to show your true self, both your strengths and your weaknesses.  It means being willing to be vulnerable.  A client of mine once described this concept as being able to stand naked in an open field in front of your partner.

Of course, the other half of this is that your partner will be able to accept what he or she knows about you and not judge you.  You have to feel safe in revealing yourself.  Now this may not necessarily mean that you have to tell every little thought and idea to your partner.  After all, you are entitled to have a sense of privacy and individuality.  It also doesn’t mean that you take no responsibility for your behavior.  In other words, intimacy doesn’t mean you can act without responsibility and then expect your mate to be okay with it in the name of accepting you.

Each of us has imperfections.  Each of us wants to know that we are loved even with those imperfections; that we will not be abandoned if they are exposed.

Some rules

Clearly, this shared information is only going to be with someone who is very special and close to you. When your partner does reveal something intimate, a sign of trust has been shown.  This information must be honored and treated with a great deal of respect. 

When you love someone and he or she is hurting, many of you will feel the need to offer help by fixing the problem.  But what is far more intimate is to merely offer support and understanding.

If, when you are arguing, this information is thrown back at the person and used against them, you will have committed a major violation of trust in your relationship.  If this special knowledge is shared with an outsider, it will be a breach in your intimacy.  Consider this information as marked, “Fragile, handle with care.”

Emotional intimacy is also very healing.  In the best of all worlds, children will flourish most when they have been raised by parents who were unconditionally loving to them -- they accepted their children for who they were with no conditions of worth.  How many of you can say you experienced that?  Even though I can’t see you, I’m going to guess that no one is shouting, “Me, me!”  And though your mate should not be expected to make up for what you didn’t have as a child, having an emotionally intimate relationship sure goes a long way toward that end.

Here is the one way that emotional intimacy is the same as physical intimacy -- it creates a very special feeling to the person with whom you share it.  It helps to connect you; it’s a bond between you that isn’t shared by anyone else.

So, how do you get this in your partnership?  Start small.  Test the waters and let your partner know that you’re taking the risk of letting him or her in on something private.  To help your mate trust you, give in the way that he or she needs in order to feel safe.  And if he or she tells you something, make sure you listen with an open heart.

Relationships based on this kind of connection are really very special.