Whose Fault? - Mine!

I think it’s fair to say that you and I have a relationship at this point.  And yet, one of the points I try to drive home is how very important it is to be mindful in one’s relationship.  Well, it appears that somehow I made a big boo-boo in last week’s blog.  Without realizing it, I didn’t copy and paste the entire entry.

Didn’t it seem irregular, didn’t it seem different than my usual format?  There were three comments but no one asked, “What happened to the rest of the blog?”  Personally, I was horrified when I realized that I’d made this mistake. 

So, go back to last week’s posting for the first two paragraphs and now here’s the rest (and… don’t forget to pay closer attention to your partners!)

Holding on

But then there are the couples who just can’t seem to give up their complaints.  Some come in literally with hand written lists about all the bad things that happened since they saw me last.  They each speak to me and look to me to be a judge as to how wronged he or she was.

Of course, what generally happens is that the other person doesn’t just sit quietly as accusations are being made.  After all, he or she has a list of complaints too.  So now they go after each other.  It doesn’t take long before their commentary starts to sound more like that which you’d hear on a playground between two six-year olds.

Naturally, I point all this out to them.  I try to redirect each of them to the feelings each might be experiencing.  We work on skills to express what’s going on.  There is a sense of calmness, there is an attempt on their parts to communicate productively with one another -- for a few moments.  And then, the blaming starts again.

So, then the question becomes: What purpose does the blaming serve?  Why do these couples continue to revert to blaming one another, to continually finger-point, rather than attempt to express themselves in productive ways? 

You might think I am not offering them the proper skills.  I did consider this.  However, the very same tools are offered to others who are able to successfully implement them.

Method to the madnessWhat occurs to me is that the blaming is a device that allows people to stay distant from one another.  It’s just easier to point a finger at the other person than to look at what you have or haven’t done to make the relationship work. 

Many people feel very hurt by their partner and, therefore, feel righteous in not taking initiative to make changes.  They state that they’re afraid to get hurt again.  The problem often is that their mate feels the same way.  The result is that they’re both stuck waiting for the other to make the first move.  

So, take an honest look at your relationship.  Take an honest look at your part.  Maybe it’s time to take a baby step and watch things change!