Working on Your Relationship While at Work

The days of working 9-5 are long gone.  I don’t think I have to tell any of you about the stress that has increased in our society.  The rise of mental illness is increasing, the leading contenders being anxiety, depression, and substance abuse; and all of these are attributed to stress.

As I’ve written about before, stress is certainly going to take a toll on your relationship.  It doesn’t look like this sorry state of affairs is about to change anytime soon.  As the popular statement goes, “It is what it is.”  But -- there are tools that can be employed to make things better within this situation.  In today’s post, I’d like to make a few suggestions.

Being personal

On an individual level, take five minutes for yourself and take a mini-vacation.  What that means is to allow yourself to visualize yourself someplace that feels like you’re on vacation.  It’s your imagination, so it can be a place you’ve actually been to or one you make up.  But when you create this visual, really put yourself there: close your eyes and see everything that surrounds you, become aware of the sounds, feel the sensations, notice any smells.  You’d be surprised how refreshing and calming, how therapeutic these five minutes can be.

Of course, there’s also the deep, relaxing breathing I’ve mentioned previously.  Take a breath in through your nose, down past your throat and chest, into your solar plexus (area below your rib cage).  Hold it to the count of four and then let the breath out ever so slowly through slightly opened lips.  Do this three times.

Or, you could do muscle relaxing to release tension.  Start with your toes and move up your body muscle groups.  With each group, tighten your muscles and then release.  Do this all the way up including your face. Then with your mind’s eye, scan your body to see if there is any tension anywhere in your body.  If there is, imagine bringing a breath to that area to let go of it.

You say there’s no time to do these things…initially it will feel like there isn’t because you’re not in the habit of doing it.  But once you start, and you continue, it becomes a habit (it takes 21 days for a behavior to become a habit).  Aren’t you worth five minutes?

For the two of you

But what about your relationship?  It’s so important to make your partnership a priority.  But the reality is that it’s easy to put it on a back burner when you’re stressed out at work.  And work is a dangerous place for affairs to begin (as I’ve discussed previously).  So, starting to do some behaviors for the two of you while at work will help to keep you connected to your partner and insulate you from outside influences.

Speak to your mate during the day.  When you do, give your full attention to him or her.  Perhaps, in order to do so, you’ll need to step out of your work environment.  Use technology, i.e. email, to send an unexpected cute note.  Or, put a note in your mate’s bag that he or she takes to work. 

When you go home, be sure that you again pay attention to your significant other.  Do not look at the mail or listen to telephone messages first.  Unless there’s an emergency, your initial conversation to each other should not be negative -- whether it’s about work, the children, or any other situation.  Rather, greet each other with a hug and kiss that says, “I’m glad to see you after being away all day.”  (Hugging is a great stress reliever.)

Try hard to have dinner together.  During that time, make the decision to cut off any outside interruptions -- no phone calls, TV watching, or responding to blackberry emails.

As you near the end of your work week, start to talk about your downtime together.  Making plans -- even ones just to relax -- gives you a chance to build anticipation.  Having a ritual for the end of the work week will give the two of you something to look forward to.

Clearly, none of these suggestions are brilliant.  Nor are they hard to do.  The trick and the success will depend on actually doing them.  A large part of the reason that people have trouble in their relationship is because it has become so hum-drum.  But it’s easy to repair -- you just have to make a little effort at being mindful!