Building a Solid Foundation

Not only am I a relationship expert, but I am very committed to trying to help couples make their marriages work.  To be honest, I guess part of it comes from the fact that I played this role as a little girl between my own parents.  And, in reality, when parents do choose to divorce, their children will ask, “Wasn’t I important enough to you for you to try to work it out?”

The 50% divorce rate is certainly a statistic that most of you are probably quite familiar with by now.  There is all sorts of research which indicates not only the harmful effects of divorce but the benefits, both physically and psychologically of being married.  That being said, there is a great deal of work being done towards teaching couples in trouble the skills they need to know in order to have better relationships.

In the beginning

Certainly, a good portion of the work I do is to teach couples the concept of attachment and the tools they need about how to communicate better.  Of course, before we get into the nitty-gritty, I try to learn about the history of the couple -- how they met, what attracted them to one another, what behaviors and patterns were there while they were dating.

And here’s an interesting, and not so unusual, finding:  lots of the problems that bring these couples into my office were there before they tied the knot.  When I inquire about this, I tend to get answers that I believe are emotionally laden.  By that I mean that though the person saw the traits in their partner, they overlooked them thinking that somehow it would be different after the marriage.  Big mistake!  Generally, the only thing that changes is that the person feels more comfortable and so exhibits the behavior even more so.

Or, the person was so emotionally blind -- in other words, allowed his or her emotions to cloud his or her ability to think clearly, that certain traits aren’t even picked up.  I tend to know this happened when the person now reports that everyone else warned him or her, but he or she just didn’t see it.

The dating phase is really a wonderful one.  It has all the earmarks of a Hollywood movie.  You feel like you are very important to your mate.  Time and compliments are bestowed upon you.  There’s no shortage of attention.  So much of your activities are fun-filled and without stress.  You feel good with each other.  With a situation like this, of course you come to the conclusion that this is “the one.”

The best is yet to come?

But most couples don’t really anticipate the future, the reality of what it means to be a couple in the day-to-day living of a long-term commitment.  Is it that they don’t want to break from these wonderful feelings?  Do they not consider what’s ahead of them?  Are they afraid to talk about the tough issues?  And I think it’s this phenomenon that is a very large factor in couples having difficulty down the road.  

So, what are the topics that need to be discussed?  Here’s a starter list:

1. Children:  Do you want any?  How many?  How would you parent?  What are the issues relative to religion and education?
2. Money issues: How will you manage your money and pay bills?  What are your spending styles and saving styles?  How will you make decisions about big ticket items?  What needs to be addressed about debts and pensions?
3. Domestic concerns:  Will you both work?  Will you share in household chores?  How much time do you expect to spend together and apart?
4. Differences:  What behaviors about one another bother you?  How will you raise issues when they are upsetting?  What are the weaknesses in your relationship?  Are there sexual problems?
5. Also pay attention to your mate’s history.  How has he or she treated other relationships?  What was his or her childhood like?  What is the family like and how does he or she respond to family matters?

Does this list seem unromantic?  Yes.  But it is one that really will allow the couple to go into their long-term relationship much more prepared.  These suggested questions are not meant to scare people away from one another but to help you gain the proper insight.  Might some people decide that they are not right for one another?  Yes … but better in the early stages.

So, ask the questions and really set a good foundation!

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