Today
Do We Accept Our Limitations or Push Through Them?
by Jed Diamond
Posted November 13, 2006 12:00 PM
Posted November 13, 2006 12:00 PM
Posted in
Author of Male Menopause and The Irritable Male Syndrome. Come visit me at
www.MenAlive.com and www.TheIrritableMale.com.
Dealing with an unexpected major illness (in my case, a blood clot) has run me up against some of my old issues. I’ve always been one of those guys who felt he could do anything. I had a mother who always encouraged and supported my efforts. I buy into the New Age philosophies that say, “whatever we believe we can achieve.” For the most part, this way of thinking and feeling has been helpful in my life. But there are times that I beat my head against a brick wall convinced that I can do something that just is not meant to be. I’ve always wrestled with the question of when to accept limits and when to keep pushing until I achieve my goals.
Over the past weeks I’ve written about my experiences dealing with my mortality: I Don’t Feel Sick, So Why Am I in the Hospital?, When Bad Things Happen to Healthy People, The Doctor Without and the Doctor Within.
Having gotten though the first month of recovery, I’m beginning to get some insights into the larger meaning of my illness. Being a “positive kinda guy,” I believe there are lessons to be learned in all aspects of life. Many people get sick, get well, move on, and want to forget about the pain of the past. I believe there is much wisdom to be gained in exploring the deeper meaning of each of my illnesses. The more frightening they are, the more I’ve found they have to teach me.
It isn’t totally clear yet, but I’m getting insights about the importance of accepting limitations at this time of my life. My “can do” attitude can be valuable. But I’m starting to recognize that a “can’t do” attitude is equally valuable.
As I approach my 63rd birthday, I’m starting to accept the fact that I can’t do the same kind of physical activity I do easily in the past. I’ve stopped playing competitive sports because I couldn’t keep up with the younger guys and I didn’t enjoy the competition as much as I once did. On the other hand, I’ve taken up racquetball and I’ve achieved a level of proficiency I never thought I’d manage. I’ve started lifting weights for the first time in my life and my new strength is very satisfying.
It isn’t always easy for me to recognize when I need to slow down and let go and when I need to step up and go higher.
With this illness, I’m learning to accept the limitations of my life more fully. Maybe it’s OK to say “no” to more things. Maybe it’s OK to slow down instead of speeding up. Maybe it’s OK to stop adding more weights to my routine and just do what feels good. Maybe it’s OK not to always be reaching for the next goal, the next rung on the ladder to being more successful in life. Maybe there are times when “enough is enough.”
I’m also realizing that I need to accept my emotional limitations as well as my physical limitations. Just as I don’t recover as easily from physical injury as I did in the past, I don’t recover from emotional injury as easily. Life stresses that I could easily tolerate in the past are becoming more difficult as I get older. I find I need to rest my emotional body more, just as I need to rest my physical body.
In some ways accepting my emotional limitations is much more difficult than accepting my physical limitations. I’ve always been a very emotional person. I have a manic-depressive personality and often have rather dramatic mood swings. My emotional sensitivity makes me a good therapist and writer, but it also makes me more vulnerable to emotional upsets that can be debilitating. I’m realizing that if I’m going to continue to enjoy good health, I need to accept my limitations. I have to honor my “can’t do” attitude as well as my “can do” attitude.
I need all the help and support I can get. What have your experiences been like? When was healthy for you go push past your limitations and go after your goals? When was it good to accept limitations and learn to live with them?
Comments (21)
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Posted March 23, 2007 7:39 AM
Dear Jed,I also know exactly how you feel,Im 54 my soul only feels 25, I get upset with myself because I can not keep up with the house work ,I manage the washing,sweeping making beds ect, but when it comes to other tasks just dont have the energy I used to have, also the time seems to go much quicker every year I age ,every year goes by even quicker,does anyone else notice that too? I have always exercised, I push myself somedays,I have suffered with a headache and dizziness for almost 4 years now,also any high pitched sounds can just about stop me in my tracks,no one has been able to help me with this health problem, I just put up with it, have no choice,even my teeth ache almost every day,it came on suddenly and it has stayed with me to this day ,I think back to my youth,and my child bearing days,I was always a perfectionist and an optimist,Its difficult now to be either of those things,even my husband isnt the kind loving man he used to be I have never in all my life felt so inadequate,so let down with life in general,now to top it off Im going through menopause,and I feel like Im in hell.It cant get any worse. Life can be very hard on us all as we age,if we have our health we have everything.I only wish we had the wisdom in youth,which unfortunatly we can only gain through living aging and learning.You know I cant even cry anymore,if I could just shed a few tears I know I would feel so much better.I.wonder have I had so much pain and hurt in my life that I have hardened,or have I just become numb.To me tomorrow is just anouther day.
Posted December 4, 2006 8:05 PM
Jed, you are so right and unfortunately strong, healthy men such as yourself sometimes pay a higher price when problems arise. You are a professional so you must know how some men who are healthy and physically strong or tough can almost feel emasculated when either taken down by a sudden illness such as heart attack or a physical confrontation with another man where they end up losing a fight. I accepted my limitations since being sick as a child, I never felt like the strong, tough, healthy guy so I have nothing to shake my world if I suddenly take ill. You had every right to feel as you did prior to your illness but it's almost like the illusion of security most of use live with, the reality of how frail and vunerable we are is too upsetting to think about so we ignore the many possibilities that can disrupt our peace. You have to adjust to your limitations or risk further injury, that does not mean you are any less of a man than you were. All this means is that you are an intelligent person who is willing to adapt to a healthier lifestyle given better insight into your specific health conditions. You could convince yourself that everything is fine and you have no health concerns but then you would be responsible for the inevitable problems down the road. I know you are both smart and mature enough to do adapt and have a full life within reasonable restitctions. Only we can decide if we are winners or losers when we look in the mirror, see the winner the healthier you who will live a long and full life. Best of luck.
Posted December 4, 2006 6:03 PM
Frank,
A key point. We often develop our sense of "self" based on our experiences over the years. Some of these seem more central to who we are. For a long time I've build a lot of my view of who I am on my ability to be strong and healthy. No I'm having to rethink what that means and how I can be my self and accept to limitations (as well as new possibilities).
Posted December 2, 2006 6:42 AM
Pam, I think it helps if you stop comparing yourself to who you used to be. That was then and this is now, fortunately you say you're pretty healthy and that's wonderful. Forget those eighty hour work weeks and focus more on yourself, get into a routine exercise program and address the weight gain. Maybe we can't be as good as our younger selves but that's no reason not to be better than our older selves. Good luck and mover forward with pride and optimism.
Posted December 2, 2006 5:47 AM
Have been feeling really guilty that I have not been able to keep up the physical activity levels of a few years ago & thought I was the only one! I am pretty healthy - but it takes more work & I do get more tired easily & there has been weight gain, etc. If I go full blast one day - I feel it the next. I used to be able to work 80 hrs. a week at one thing and another - but I suppose the better part of wisdom is to think about everything you are all saying....more discussion?
Posted November 14, 2006 12:25 AM
That seems to be part of the message of this time of life for me. I am learning how to accept my limitations and learning where it is good to push and when it is good to relax and accept.
Today I pushed a little a played racquetball with a player much better than me. I had to "up my game" to keep up with him.
Today I also limited the weights I was lifting and stopped a little early.
It's an interesting edge to explore. When to push and when to let go.
Posted November 14, 2006 12:13 AM
Jed, as Clint Eastwood said " A man's
got to know his limitations". We learn our limitations through living and experience. Depending on our age and I say that because of the body's different recuperative abilities given our age, trying to push through a physical limitation might be a very foolish thing to do. I like the idea of pushing through emotional limitations or I should say exploring the envelope of emotional limitations. I find it empowering in a way to understand and accept that my life is unique to me and given my history I have certain limits that are either greater or lesser than others. I respect my limitations, do you?
Posted November 13, 2006 5:20 PM
As a woman, I found that as I reached 50 (I'm 51 now), I would become an emotional basket case about things that I shouldn't have. Supposedly because of Menapause. But what I had to do to avoid a massive heart attack I had to start looking at things in a much more lackadaysical way and be aware of how I was reacting to things. My kids were eye openers. When I was bugging out or overly upset about something, they put things in perspective for me and it was a huge help. But it took some time to do it in a way that I didn't go the other way totally and not care about anything. But I think I finally got it under control and reached a happy medium. You just have to look at the big picture when you are overly emotional. That seemed to help me to realize how trivial my issue really was.
Posted December 16, 2006 9:17 PM
I was born with cerebral palsy. I have coped with limitation all my life. After reading the other readers comments, I learned again that persons with disabilities are just as typical as anyone. At 64, I've had to adjust and accept that there are activities i could do ten years ago that I can no longer accomplish today. Are these limitations easier to accept because I've had practice making adjusrments? No. But, life is an evolution in progress and we must adjust if we are to go on. Working toward accessibility should be a goal for all os us. Thanks for this opportunity to enlighten.
Posted December 17, 2006 3:18 AM
Leslie, I'm very sorry you and your husband are going through this difficult time at a point in your lives when things should be better. If you've read some of my posts on these blogs then you know that I'm a passionate married man and my wife suffers from vulvodynia, which in her case is a recurrent tear at the six o'clock position. She also is involded with caring for both her ill parents. I try my best to ignore my needs and remain a loving husband but it's tough. I'm happy that we can still make love but it's nowhere close to what I need. Getting back to what you said about feeling numb, maybe that's what you need to do to cope with this problem. I knew a time would come when lovemaking would no longer be possible but hoped it would be much later in our marriage. Unfortunately for you and others it has arrived much sooner than expected. What are your options? You say you don't want other men to find you attractive, (which they probably do) and that tells me you love him. Right now I'm home alone and wishing I was kissing and loving my wife, but she is spending the night caring for her parents. So, I try my best to not think about my loneliness and frustration. When I think of what you wrote two songs come to mind and since we are close to the same age you may know the lines, Pink Floyd: comfortably numb and from The Moody Blues: Nights In White Satin, " cold hearted orb that rules the night removes the color from our sight red is grey and yellow white, but we decide which is right and which is an illusion". Leslie, if you love him try to remember better times and don't mourn for what is lost but celebrate what is still there. If you don't want to be numb and don't want to share your pain through some kind of help group or therapy then maybe you need to explore other options. I wish you and your husband the best.
Posted November 15, 2006 12:17 AM
Heather,
Interesting site. Adds to the question, when do I become an elder?
When should I even look at a site like that?
I appreciate your goal to make life better.
Thanks,
Jed
Posted December 16, 2006 6:15 PM
Well my husband and I are both 51 and aging. My husband has diabetes and goes through cycles of taking good care of himself and then not taking good care of himself. He has ED, and no matter how many times I tell him it doesn't make a difference it does to him. He has gotten to the point that he won't initiate sex at all any longer. He also doesn't take the supplements and take care of himself properly to avoid the ED. What I'm feeling is the death of my desirability. Obviously I don't want to be desirable to any other man, so like so many other things in my life I'm grieving for the death of my desirability. Then when I'm done grieving it will just be another piece of my life that is numb. P.S. I'm a healthy 51, in good shape and taking good care of myself except emotionally where I find if I just numb myself to whatever it is works. What I fear is that I'm becoming a very numb person.
Posted November 14, 2006 9:05 AM
Hi Jed,
I like your last couple of sentences about an interesting edge to explore - when to push and when to let go.
I have training in the field of Occupational Therapy and currently have a business that sells products to help people maintain their activity levels and lifestyles.
I think it can be difficult for individuals to allow themselves to let go or to admit that they need to let go of some level of activity. The fear is that is will lead to a loss of independence - something that is so greatly treasured.
The mission of my company is to help people live the most independent life possible. I hope you will look us up at www.elderedge.com where our goal is to make life better.
Good luck exploring the edge!
Heather
Posted November 20, 2006 5:29 PM
Learning about myself and what I can and cannot accomplish through additional energy useage, etc. is my way of dealing with an energy demand.
I do not think age creates limitations but rather health, energy, stamina, specifics of the activity being considered, as well as the "price paid" following such a push. The resulting "price" can likely be ascertained through similar recent past experience(s).
Having crashed with a neurological/muscular/blood disease at the age of 57, I have determined that whatever time element considered to accomplish an activity, may be doubled from what I would have formerlly considered.
So being honest with ones self is critical in evaluation whether an individual pushes through an activity or accepts limitations. Do I typically take on more than I can handle or do I "baby" myself and give myself reasons and/or excuses for not taking on the activity. Others can push, guess, put down your response, but only you know the capabilities you can obtain without injury.
Posted November 20, 2006 5:39 PM
I have reached a period in my life (62 in Dec.) where I cannot do the work I did even 10 years ago. This summer I help my husband load and unload our truck with 50 2ft x 2ft x 2 inch concrete patio blocks and three weeks later I was in the hospital having x-rays - a torn ligament in my left shoulder and a dislocated right shoulder blade. Please notice that I let this go for three weeks before going to my doctor. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. The doctor - before seeing my x-rays - told me that with my arthritis I needed to get more exercise!! I have done heavy physical work all my life and I can't do it anymore. I'm still having trouble doing light housework now and may have to have surgery on my left shoulder. Why do we do this to ourselves!!!
Posted November 20, 2006 5:54 PM
Everyone talkes about limits at 63 but I did not have that meany limits until later. Last year I had a triple by pass surgery, I am 82, I was not too sure what the out come of my doing things would be, It has slowed me down a lot, and adding to the problem is the arthris in my knees. This has been the real thing that has slowed me down. I find that you get you limits and don't try too hard to get beyond them, maybe no pain no gain is all right when you are 18 but when you are 82 it does not work, you have too many pains.
Posted November 20, 2006 5:56 PM
The age of 62,for me, is so different than age 57. Body aches and I need exercise badly. But these days in a sort of depression that is unfamiliar to me and indicates to me that I may be in a life crisis of which I have an idea what it is. I am taking a little time away from therapy since I am not bipolar and want the stress of therapy off of me for a little while.
Maybe it is the holiday time that gets to me also.
I can still exercise and I do not have any disease or condition and need the exercise for the beginning of arthritis. Exercise relieves the tight muscle spasms in my back, all over my back, everywhere .
Posted November 20, 2006 8:28 PM
I was 65 in May, and didn't even consider retiring from my job that involves me climbing 3 flights of stairs to get to my office. I maintained a large garden, flower bed, and still tried to have time for other things. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia, what was I thinking! Now, I have submitted my forms for retirement the end of December. My friend has bought a motor home, and we are going traveling! I am so excited! No more shoveling snow in the winter, and slipping and sliding on the ice, we are going south! I do not get enough exercise, and therefore, have gained too much weight which only adds to the knee pain and arthritis pain. Hopefully in the sunshine and warmer drier conditions I will feel better.
I was always the mom that did it all, holiday dinners for 35, just the immediate family you know! I have 5 daughters. Recently, I mailed a letter to each one of my families. and explained that I hoped they would have patience with me as I age, and can't cope with all the problems, stresses, and preparations that go on for big events! They are very considerate, and try to help when they can.
Life is still great! Just takes a little longer to get places, and I have learned that I can no longer "DO IT ALL". Actually, I never could but did my best to try! I know that I will have to be very careful with my budget, which is no change, and giving up my apartment and trusting is hard.
I left a marriageof 41 years to an abuser, moved to this town, to an apartment and went to work here 7 years ago. All this was with the help of my girls, and they still assure me they are always there.
I have "lightened" my load, given away or sold almost all of my things, I can visit favorite things at the girls' homes. I am really looking forward to a simple life with very few frills or possessions.
Posted November 20, 2006 9:43 PM
Re: like Roana,
Life is still great for me, in my mind I'm still a young woman but the aches and pains are more evident. I can't believe how much damage I did to my shoulder and arm this past summer. I'm retiring this December and will be having a real Christmas with the family instead of working so someone else can spend the holiday with their family. I'm really looking forward to retirement. I also have a garden that I'm going to enjoy more this summer than I've been able to these past few years. I'm going to the Grand Canyon this summer. First real vacation I've had in 15 years. I feel like I can actually start to enjoy my life now. I've been offered a job for the second time just this morning and even though the money is decent I immediately said "NO". I want to work for me for a while.
Posted November 20, 2006 10:01 PM
I'm 62 and noticed in the last few years that body parts don't work like they used to. Once you're down on the floor - yikes - it's hard to get up. Much of the problem is menopause, weight gain, a thyroid condition and the signs, though not diagnoised, of arthritis and the biggest set-back of all -sitting at a desk all day.I used to be a gym rat between 35 and 52 - 6 times a week without fail - step aerobics for hours etc. I've not had time to do that since my husband died and I remarried. My four grown kids constantly give me worries or financial problems and I've decided like I read here - you have to step back and look at the big picture. I'm happy for my health as it is, happy that I plan to retire soon and take better care of myself and slowly get back to the gym and swimming. I know that given a couple of years of easing back into exercise, I will be better off (not a size 8)- but I know not to push the limits. It's not really necessary anymore - Good health is the most important thing! I have a 92-year old dad that outside of blindness, is still going strong -works 5 1/2 days a week -- everyone should have that kind of stamina. I hope to live that long and be that healthy!
Posted November 21, 2006 4:51 AM
Thanks for all the wonderful sharing of experiences.
Sometimes we need it hear it from others for it to sink into our own awareness.
It's nice to know that others are facting these kinds of issues. It's part of the wisdom of aging to know when to push and when to pull back, when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away and when to run.
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