Does Menopause Cause Divorce?

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     Although I hear from many women at mid-life and beyond who are devastated by their husband’s leaving them (often for a younger woman), that is only part of the story about marriages falling apart at mid-life. A survey by AARP Magazine of almost 1,200 people who divorced in their 40s, 50s, or 60s found that women initiated 2/3 of the divorces. Kate Vetrano, chair of the American Bar Association’s Elder Law Committee, told the magazine that "They're shedding their marriages in the quest for happiness." What’s going on here?

     As a psychotherapist it seems very sad to me that so many marriages come apart at mid-life just when the couple could be enjoying their relationship the most. For many, the children are grown, they are financially secure, and they have more free time. Many worked hard through their younger years so that they could enjoy these golden years together. But I talk to many women and men who were looking forward to a joyful deepening of their relationship as they got older only to find stress, strain, and the agony of divorce.

     Why are so many of us unhappy enough that we choose to end a long-term relationship? On an individual basis there are as many different answers as there are unhappily married women and men. Some that I’ve heard recently include:

· I can’t take his drinking anymore.

· She doesn’t want sex and I’m not willing to live without it.

· I won’t put up with his irritability anger and blame.

· She’s put on a lot of weight and doesn’t seem to care about her looks or her health.

· We’ve grown apart. We don’t have much in common.

· I love her, but I’m not "in love" with her. I want to fall in love again.

· I’ve been a good spouse, a good parent, a good friend, when will I have my turn to get some "goodies" for myself?

     However, when we look at why so many women are leaving at mid-life, we have to look at more universal changes if we are to understand these trends. One person who has been doing this is Louanne Brizendine, M.D. Dr. Brizendine is a Yale- and Harvard educated neuropsychiatrist who is currently director of the UC San Francisco Women's and Teen Girls' Mood and Hormone Clinic.

     Brizendine suggests that the change of feelings that leads to the kind of unhappiness that can precipitate the end of a marriage may be related to the hormonal changes that occur at menopause. She says that female hormones affect women's brain's in evolutionarily advantageous ways, but they may also spur older women to start new lives -- even if that means leaving their husbands behind.

     Throughout the child-bearing years, the female brain is marinated in estrogen, a hormone which effects the amygdala and prefrontal cortex, the emotional processor and emotional assessment and judgement areas of her brain. The effect of this heightens a woman's communication and emotional circuits, giving rise to those maternal instincts which tend, care and do the best they can to avoid conflict to give the family unit the best possible chance of survival.

     The menopause puts an end to the fluctuating hormone levels and with it comes a much more stable brain and a less maternal woman. A woman who, says Brizendine, is "less worried about pleasing others and now wants to please herself" and that may mean taking on new challenges or a new job and leaving the old life, including her husband, behind.

     A woman who wants more for herself and is not so concerned about pleasing and standing by her man, doesn’t inevitably lead to divorce, but it can put a strain on the marriage. As estrogen levels drop and the ratio of testosterone to estrogen increases in a woman’s brain, she becomes more "testy." For men, the opposite is happening. As his testosterone levels drop and the ratio of estrogen to testosterone increases, he becomes more "esty."

     Testy women and Esty men can find a new balance in their relationships and can rekindle the love and passion that they once felt. Or they can pull part and go their separate ways.

     What has it been like for you? Do you know friends who broke up after age 40? Has it happened to you? If you have stayed together in a long-term marriage, what did you do to deal with the forces that tend to pull people apart?