Hell Hath No Fury Like a Man Devalued: Helping The Man In Your Life

Author:  Male Menopause and Irritable Male Syndrome 

Web: www.MenAlive.com  Questions about men and relationships?  Drop me a line: Jed@MenAlive.com

"Hell, has no fury like a man devalued."  These are the opening words of the book Eve’s Seed: Biology, the Sexes, and the Course of History by Robert S. McElvaine. They could also be the words of the millions of men today experiencing the Irritable Male Syndrome.  So many men I see today feel that those closest to them don’t treat them with respect.  We have a longing to be seen as heroes, but often feel more like goats.  What’s going on?

     In our computer economy, the blue-collar labor that was usually the province of men is being supplanted by what Peter Drucker calls “knowledge workers.”  Drucker believes that those who are smart, educated, and computer literate, the “gold-collar workers, will be able to write their own career tickets.  Career advancement has always been a part of men’s feeling of self respect.  In the world of the future more and more men will lack the education to compete for the best jobs.  Demographers predict that by 2007, 9.2 million American women and only 6.9 million American men will be enrolled in college.” says anthropologist Helen Fisher.    “The contrast is even greater among part-time, adult, and minority students.  Women are also gradually closing the education gap in much of the rest of the world.”

     Women have always been better than men at “people skills.”  They tune in to others’ feelings and are more empathic.  These skills have enabled women to be good mothers and increasingly in the work place, excellent employees.  Surprisingly, it was John D. Rockefeller who said, “The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee.  And I pay more for that ability than for any other under the sun.”

     Neuroscientists currently believe that interpersonal sensitivity, a conglomerate of aptitudes they call “executive social skills” or “social cognition,” resides in the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain behind the brow.  Those with a well-functioning prefrontal cortex are aware of the feelings of others, pick up on emotional expressions and body language, and are adept at maintaining good social relationships with friends, family and co-workers. 

     Neuroscientist David Skuse believes that women are more likely than men to acquire the genetic endowment for developing these vital social skills.  The reason, he believes, is that there is a specific gene or cluster of genes on the X chromosome that influences the formation of the prefrontal cortex.  He found that this gene or gene cluster is silenced in 100% of  men but active in about 50% of women.  Hence about half of all women and no men have the brain architecture to excel at perceiving the nuances of social interplay. This doesn’t mean that the other 50% of women and all us men can’t learn these skills.  It just means we have to work harder at it.
 
     Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen is professor of psychology and psychiatry at Cambridge University.  He has been researching sex differences for over twenty years.  In his book, The Essential Difference:  The Truth About the Male & Female Brain, he details the latest research in the field.  His conclusions are both startling and clear-cut.  “The subject of essential sex differences in the mind is clearly very delicate,” he cautions us.  But the findings substantiate the fact that males and females are different, in large measure because of the different ways our brains are structured.  “The female brain is predominantly hard-wired for empathy,” he tells us.  “The male brain is predominantly hard-wired for understanding and building systems.”

     Part of the reason so many men are irritable these days is that our brains were built for a world where system building was more important than it is today.  Increasingly the skills we need to succeed are based on empathy which comes more easily to the female brain.  For most of us guys we are playing on an instrument with only two strings.  Women have a whole orchestra to choose from. 

    For many of us we alternate playing the note, “I’m pissed,” or “Let’s have sex.”  It can be a pretty limiting repertoire, made even worse when men are going through Irritable Male Syndrome when our sexual lives are diminishing and everything pisses us off.  So what are we to do?  Are we stuck with an inability to feel the full range of human emotion?  Are we forever limited in our ability to share what's going on inside? 

     Tom Golden, who works extensively with men suggests that men may feel as strongly as women, but have difficulty expressing themselves in the same way that women do.  Asking a man to tell you how he feels may not be the best way to find out what’s really going on inside him. 

     “When a man had suffered a loss, I started asking them not what he was feeling, 
but what he was doing about it. I was delighted at that point to see that when I asked the right questions, in the right manner, I started seeing things in a very different light. The men started talking to me about what they were doing. This was familiar territory. As the men talked of their endeavors, the emotions flowed in a comfortable manner feelings differently.”

     Many of us guys can get in touch with our feelings much more easily when we are going something.  That's why I often recommend that couples go for a walk together or play a game when they want to discuss sensitive emotional issues.  Sitting face to face and asking a man to tell us what he feels, just makes many of us feel inadequate.  Get us talking about what we are doing and many of us tap into feelings we didn't even though were there.

     How easy is it for you to share your feelings?  Do you feel valued and appreciated by your partner?  What helps you connect and share your deepest longings with those you love?