Irritable Male Syndrome and Male Menopause: What We Need to Know to Save Our Sanity and Protect Our Relationships

"He used to be the nicest guy you could imagine, now he's become moody and mean." I hear this bewildered concern from women all over the world.  "She used to be gentle and caring, now she treats me like her worst enemy."  Men are equally frustrated and confused.  Millions of women and men are finding that something strange is happening to them when their relationship moves into mid-life.  Sometimes I think its evolutions little joke to split us apart and send us looking for new partners to propagate the species.  But for those dealing with the stresses of mid-life, it is no joking matter.   The key to saving our sanity and keeping our relationship alive and well is to understand two inter-related life changes affecting men (and the women who love) them at mid-life:  Male Menopause and Irritable Male Syndrome.  I sometimes think of them as the double whammy.  But with a little understanding and help from those we love, we don't have to let them do us in. 

It took me quite awhile to begin recognizing the symptoms of male menopause and irritable male syndrome in myself.  I didn't have any trouble recognizing similar symptoms in my wife, Carlin, when she was going through "the change."  She was moody, hypersensitive, and irritable.  The least little thing would set her off.  Her interest in sex plummeted to zero, though occasionally she would become very passionate and even aggressive in her interest.  I liked her passion, but the aggression was a bit frightening.  I was convinced that everything would be fine once she went through menopause and came out the other side.  But as the years passed, I wondered whether we would ever get through it.  Eventually her periods ended completely, her mood came back to something resembling those of a normal human being, and she seemed to like herself (and me) a whole lot better.

There was only one problem.  I couldn't blame the problems we were having  on her anymore.  I found that we would still get into fights about sex, love, and intimacy.  But it seemed to be me who was hypersensitive, moody, and mad.  For a long time I believed that I was simply reacting to her.  "Who wouldn't get mad," I would mutter to myself, "when someone treats me the way she treats me."  I was sure that I was "fine" and she was the one who was out of line.  Well, I'm sure there were times when she was, in fact, out of line, but there were a whole lot of times when I was feeling and acting….well, menopausal.

For a long time I denied there was such a thing as "male menopause" or "irritable male syndrome."  But I finally began doing research. I put up a questionnaire on my website.  So far, over 30,000 men have taken the quiz.  Thousands of women have also taken the quiz, both to better understand the men in their lives as well as to deal with their own irritability and anger.  With such a large sample of respondents we were able to identity the core symptoms.

WHAT ARE THE MOST COMMON SYMPTOMS OF MALE MENOPAUSE AND IRRITABLE MALE SYNDROME (IMS)?

1. Hypersensitivity—The least little thing can set him off.
2. Anxiety—He worries all the time, even when things seem to be fine.
3. Frustration—At times, he seems like a pressure cooker about to explode.
4. Depression—He may not have the classic symptoms like sadness, feelings of worthlessness, or thoughts of death; but he definitely isn't happy and he's often irritable.
5. Loss of sexual desire—He doesn't seem as interested as he once was.
6. Erectile dysfunction—Even when he's interested he may have problems with erections.
7. Fatigue—His energy level is often low even when he has had lots of rest.

Before you can begin doing the things that make things better, you have to stop doing the things that make them worse.

HERE ARE SIX STRATEGIES THAT NEVER WORK -- YET PEOPLE ALWAYS TRY:

Which of these strategies are you trying right now?

1. The first is to ignore the problem, hoping it is temporary and will soon improve.

   You may tell yourself that he's just having stresses at work or the kids are at a particularly difficult stage.  You think that these kinds of problems are part of life, that every marriage has its ups and downs, and things will soon improve.  They won't.  They'll likely get worse unless you do something differently.

2. The second strategy is to try harder to be nice, while he continues to be mean.

   Many of us, particularly women, are trained to be helpful and supportive.  When your partner is obviously in pain you want to make things better.  You try to be understanding and caring.  You think this works, but it actually makes things worse.

3. The third strategy is to blame yourself.

   After being criticized and blamed for everything from putting on weight to being less available for sex, you begin to think that maybe he is right.  You know you aren't perfect and you have been overwhelmed with things lately.  You start to feel guilty and ashamed.  Stop it!  This isn't your fault any more than his getting a disease like diabetes is your fault.

4. The forth strategy is to blame him.

   You don't understand why or how, but it's clear that he's changed.  He acts like a real S.O.B.  He's become disrespectful and mean.  Sometimes you let him know directly what you think of him.  At other times you make sarcastic comments that you know cut him to the quick.  But hey, he started it.  Maybe giving him a dose of his own medicine will wake him up.  Well, it won't.  It will just make you feel as lousy as he does.

5. The fifth strategy is to try and get him to change.

   You are sure that if only you could get him the help he needs things would get back to normal.  You drop hints and you tell him directly that he needs to see someone—a doctor, a therapist, a counselor, a priest—anyone that can help him get well.  You don't really think you're trying to change him, just help him.  It doesn't work.  He just feels more pressured.

6. The sixth strategy is to change yourself to become the person you think he wants.

   He clearly seems to be distancing himself, physically and emotionally.  You're frightened and at times panicked.  You think that if you could lose the weight, be more available, dress more sexily, be more adventuresome, he will turn back towards you and want you again.  No, no, and no! First, changing yourself to please someone else will make you miserable.  Second, he doesn't really know what he really wants.  As soon as you change one way, he wants you to be the other way.  Am I right?

If you're a guy, have you noticed yourself experiencing any of the symptoms of male menopause or irritable male syndrome?  If you're a woman, are you close to a man who may be experiencing these symptoms?  What have you tried that has helped?  What has not been helpful?

Jed can be reached at Jed@MenAlive.com