Surviving His "Change of Life": For Every Woman Who Loves a Man Over 40

This letter is typical of the many thousands I have received from women all over the world following the publication of my books Male Menopause and Surviving Male Menopause.

Women know something about the male mid-life crisis when he worries about his receding hair-line and bulging belt-line. They can even understand his attraction to red sports cars and young blonds. But they are baffled by his total transformation.

"I have been trying to tell my husband that he has changed into a Jekyll/Hyde personality overnight," says a 42 year-old mother of three, "but he won’t believe me and says I’m always doing things to irritate him. I don’t know whether to hit him, help him, or leave him. What should I do?"

I tell women that they need to take seriously the fact that men, like women, undergo a "change of life" generally between the ages of 40 and 55. It’s known as menopause in women and andropause (male menopause) in men.

It’s interesting to me that a majority of male clinicians still question whether andropause is real. However, the majority of female clinicians I talk to readily acknowledge the reality of the male change of life.

Martha Weinman Lear, a brilliant writer, describes what she sees happening to mid-life men. "Hormone levels are dropping. Sexual vigor is diminishing. Children are leaving. Parents are dying. Job horizons are narrowing. Friends are having their first heart attacks. The past floods by in a fog of hopes unrealized, opportunities not grasped, women not bedded, potentials not fulfilled, and the future is a confrontation with our own mortality."

Following the publication of Male Menopause I was contacted by Abigail Van Buren and asked to write about men’s change of life for her column. My response was carried in newspapers throughout the world:

Dear Abby,

I have been a psychotherapist for more than thirty years and have seen too many men destroy their own lives and the lives of those they love because they didn’t understand the inevitable changes that go on in a man’s body, mind, and spirit at midlife.

I believe millions of families could be saved from splitting apart if men and women learned about the latest research findings on this crucial time of a man’s life.

* More than thirty-million men in the U.S. are now going through male menopause.

* Fifty-two percent of men between forty and seventy suffer from some degree of erectile dysfunction.

* Men, like women, experience complex hormonal rhythms that affect their mood, their physical well-being, and their sexuality.

* Emotional symptoms include irritability, worry, indecisiveness, and depression.

* Physical symptoms include fatigue, weight gain, memory loss, and sleep disturbances.

* Sexual symptoms include reduced libido, fear of sexual failure, and an increased desire to "prove" he can still perform by seeking a younger partner.

* All problems are treatable and help is available.

Abby’s response was clear and direct:

Dear Jed: Over the years, the idea that men experience a midlife change has been joked about. I’m sure many people will be relieved, and others will be surprised, to learn that male menopause is a fact and is treatable.

If you’re a woman who loves a man over 40, what changes have you noticed in the man going through the change of life? What have you found that has been helpful? What have you tried that was not helpful? If you’re a man over 40, what changes have you noticed in yourself? What would you like women to know about your change of life?