The 8 Ways a Man Says I Want to Leave

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No matter how strong, independent, and secure a woman might be, when her man tells her he’s leaving it can be devastating. Here’s a letter that is typical of many I receive from women in this situation:

My life has been turned upside down.  I know my husband has not been quite himself the past year but I thought it was stress from working long hours and always solving everyone else’s problems all day long.  I would ask him what was wrong but he would either say "nothing" or shrug it off and change the subject.  He says he loves me, but is not "in love" with me. He tells me he needs to sort things out and wants to get a place of his own.

The 8 Ways A Man "Says" I Want to Leave

Women find out in various ways that a man wants to leave. Often he’s been thinking about it for a long time, but hasn’t gotten the courage to say what he feels. Sometimes he’s not even aware himself that he is so unhappy he wants to leave. Other times, he knows he’s unhappy, but is ambivalent about leaving and doesn’t want to say anything until he is sure. Some men want their partner’s to make the decision for them so they do things that are sure to make her want to leave him.

Here are the common ways in which a woman finds out he wants to leave:

1. He withdraws emotionally.

He may be saying all the right words, but emotionally he is not present. Emotional withdrawal often happens gradually. It may seem like there is nothing really wrong. He goes off to work, he comes home. There aren’t any big fights. You begin feeling a bit lonely at first. You tell yourself he’s just stressed and overworked. However, as time goes on you feel more and more like you’re living with a housemate instead of an intimate partner.

Your sex life may become diminished or he may still want "sex," but there is less and less emotional connection and intimacy involved.

2. He withdraws sexually.

Emotional withdrawal and sexual withdrawal may go together or you may experience one without the other. At first the sexual withdrawal may seem to have a "good" reason: He drank too much and loses his erection when you try and make love. He’s stressed at work and is too agitated to want to be intimate. He’s too tired and just needs some rest. However, over time you recognize that your sex life as headed south and you feel sexually frustrated.

3. He withdraws physically.

Again, physical withdrawal may accompany emotional and sexual withdrawal or it can be separate. Women a man withdraws physically, he doesn’t want to touch. Many men are not the "touchy" type and don’t do a lot of hand-holding and hugging even when they are most in love. However, whatever his usual level of touching has been, you begin to notice that he doesn’t want to touch and he doesn’t want to be touched.

4. He withdraws socially.

Again, some men are not very social. They don’t like do go out and meet people. Others are social butterflies and enjoy going to parties and social gatherings. Whatever, his accustomed level, he now finds reasons that he doesn’t want to do as much socializing with you. At first, he may cancel a gathering, telling you he is swamped at work. He may still find time to socialize with co-workers or with his male friends. But over time you recognize that he doesn’t want to do as much socializing with you.

5. He gets involved with another woman.

When a man withdraws emotionally, sexually, or physically, some men just withdraw into themselves. However, there is a tendency in most men to seek what they are missing in someone else. The "other women" may be a friend of his or a friend of yours. It may be someone he works with. It may be a neighbor or a waitress he sees regularly when he has lunch.

It may start out quite innocently. He just may be a little more friendly with someone he sees regularly. The involvement may be emotional, sexual, physical, or social. Or it may be some combination of these. You may find out about his involvement gradually, a little clue at a time. Or you may discover he has had an affair when you find something intimate that belongs to her.

However you find it, it can be devastating to learn that he has become interested in someone else.

6. He gets involved with a "virtual" woman.

It used to be that women just had to worry about other women close-by (or sometimes other men if he was hiding his homosexual interest in men). Now they have to worry about women on the internet. Men may be searching for their missing emotional, sexual, physical, or social connections in cyberspace. These may be "real" people he meets on-line that may or may not turn into an actual physical meeting.

The contact may be completely "virtual." An increasing number of men are hooked on the pornography that is available on the world-wide web. Most women know that there is a lot of cyber-sexual material on the web, but are surprised at how pervasive it is or how many men get hooked on it. When men get involved with "virtual" women, how does one compete against millions of young, beautiful women who are available 24 hours a day and will do anything he can imagine in his fantasy?

7. He just wants to get away.

For many men there isn’t another woman involved, virtual or real. There may not even be a problem he can describe. He just needs to get away from his life. He tells you that it isn’t personal. He still cares about you, but he needs to find himself. Most women take it very personally. "I think I could handle it better if I thought he was leaving me for someone else," one woman told me. "When he says he just wants to get away, it sounds like he really means he just wants to get away from me."

8. He comes and goes.

What may be the most difficult of all types of withdrawal for a woman to handle is dealing with a man who can’t make up his mind. "He’s left and returned a number of times," a woman told me. "When he’s away he seems to want to be back home. When he’s home he just wants to get away. It’s driving me crazy.

Another form of ambivalence is the man who leaves and doesn’t want to be married, but he wants the trappings of "family." "It’s nuts," she tells me. "I’ve been doing everything I can to accommodate his needs. He says he needs time away, so I give him time away. But then he drops in to see the kids and wants to stay for dinner. Sometimes we end up having sex and I think maybe things are getting back together, then he leaves again and I don’t see him for weeks."

Have you had to deal with a man who leaves? How did you handle it? If you are a man who has left or thought of leaving, what has it been like for you?