Why Men Use Porn and What Women (and Men) Need to Know About It

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My son, Aaron, and his girlfriend just visited from Portland, Oregon. His real love is doing music which he is very good at. He gave us a little taste by playing at the Open Mike at our local Pub. I was amazed at how good he’s become. It had been awhile since I had heard him sing, play piano and guitar. I got tears in my eyes hearing his poignant lyrics and passionate melodies.

In his day job, though, he’s a computer whiz-kid. He’s the tech guy for a large company and we got talking about the "net." His feeling was that there was still very little real value being delivered. "The only industry that has consistently been making money from the beginning is pornography," he told me. It got me thinking. Why do so many men use porn? What do they really want? Do they find what they are looking for?

As a therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. "If we’ve agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex’ in an on-line chat room constitute being unfaithful? One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is. "I know if I did something like that, it would be the end of the marriage, she told me. "I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can’t trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We’ve all got our desires. I don’t see why we can’t control them. Why do men need porn?"

For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me. "I just don’t get it. I like sex. I’m available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional look see doesn’t hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It’s wrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?"

The question made me reflect on my first experiences with "pornography." I was 11 or so and beginning to feel the sexual juices flowing. They seemed to be on all the time and just about anything would set off an erection—a pretty girl sitting next to me in class, my teacher, Miss Carruthers, who everyone thought was sexy. A furry animal scurrying up a tree.

I knew there were sex magazines with pictures, but I had never seen one. Riding my bike home one day, I found and old magazine in an empty lot. It turned out to be a "nature" magazine with pictures of nude men and women playing volleyball and generally walking around as though being naked was the most natural thing in the world. To my hypersensitive, sexual brain, it was like being dosed with cocaine. I took it home and masturbated, then started a search for other images that would turn me on.

Like many kids of this age, sex was new and we were mostly shy and too young to be able to get anything going with a real girl. As I grew up, had girlfriends, had sex, got married, got divorced, got married (does this sound familiar), the desire for porn slipped into the background.

But with the advent of the internet it seems to be in our face in a big way. So why do men use porn?

1. They enjoy sexual excitement and release and porn delivers.

2. They like sexual variety and porn has an endless selection to choose from.

3. In real life the sexual practices that men like might not be those that their partners would like to engage in. In the world of porn, our sex partner will do anything we want them to do. And they will enjoy it. And they never get tired. And they are always ready for more.

4. The real world has a lot of stress and uncertainty. The world of porn is predictable and controllable.

5. Even when our sexual partner is available and interested most of the time (which can be a problem at any age, but particularly as we get older), there are always those times when we’re hot to trot but our partner is tired tonight. A quick visit to the home office and a harem of available playmates awaits our commands.

6. Though many have overcome the Madonna/Whore complex where we find it difficult to get aroused with our motherly wives but go wild for the wanton woman we work with, for many its still easier to have "regular sex" with our partner and let our minds run wild with the things we might do if we let ourselves go.

7. In a world where we are all so busy with work, home, and family, a pornographic affair may seem like some small comfort for those who are cut-off and lonely.

8. "Instant gratification isn’t fast enough for me," one client told me. In our speeded up world where we want everything served up fast and hot, pornography may be the perfect solution for our times.

So what do you think? Why do so many men use pornography these days? What are they looking for find? Are they finding what they’re looking for? Are there things men miss when they choose pornographic sex?