Why Midlife Is Such A Downer

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Throughout the world men and women are most unhappy at midlife. So if you’re feeling low, don't blame your spouse, your job, your kids, your income or lack of it, the President, Vice-President, or any other suspected villain. Middle age is such a low point for well-being most everywhere in the world that it's at the bottom of a U-shaped curve that indicates greater happiness among the young and old. According to an international study of a staggering 2 million people from 80 nations, "You can be almost certain you will follow this U-shaped curve. If you are finding life tough, maybe it's useful to know this is completely normal." Mid-life misery normal? That could put a crimp in sales of anti-depressants. Interestingly, the study found important differences between men and women.

Although both men and women experienced a similar bottoming out at mid-life, there were differences between the ages at which American men and women hit their lowest point. According to the study authors Dr. Andrew Oswald, an economist at the University of Warwick in Coventry, England and Dr. David Blanchflower of Dartmouth College in Hanover, New Hampshire, American women hit their low point at an average age of 38.6 years, while American men hit their low point at an average age of 52.9 years.

I’ve noticed that in my practice as a psychotherapist. Although people can have problems at any age, I see more women with problems who are around 40. The men seem to hit bottom around age 50. I hadn’t really thought about it until I read this fascinating study.

I’ve been working with mid-life men and women for over 40 years. Since my book Male Menopause was published in 1998 and now translated into 25 foreign languages, I have heard from men and women all over the world. Clearly something universal is going on at mid-life.

The researchers found the same U-shape in happiness levels (happy early in life and later in life, but down in the middle) in the following countries: Albania; Argentina; Australia; Azerbaijan; Belarus; Belgium; Bosnia; Brazil; Brunei; Bulgaria; Cambodia; Canada; Chile; China; Colombia; Costa Rica; Croatia; Czech Republic; Denmark; Dominican Republic; Ecuador; El Salvador; Estonia; Finland; France; Germany; Greece; Honduras; Hungary; Iceland; Iraq; Ireland; Israel; Italy; Japan; Kyrgyzstan; Laos; Latvia; Lithuania; Luxembourg; Macedonia; Malta; Mexico; Myanmar; Netherlands; Nicaragua; Nigeria; Norway; Paraguay; Peru; Philippines; Poland; Portugal; Puerto Rico; Romania; Russia; Serbia; Singapore; Slovakia; South Africa; South Korea; Spain; Sweden; Switzerland; Tanzania; Turkey; United Kingdom; Ukraine; Uruguay; USA; Uzbekistan; and Zimbabwe.

Why this universal depression at mid-life? The researchers aren’t sure. One possibility is that individuals learn to adapt to their strengths and weaknesses, and in mid-life quell their infeasible aspirations. Another possibility is that cheerful people live systematically longer. A third possibility is that a kind of comparison process is at work in which people have seen similar-aged peers die and value more their own remaining years. Perhaps people somehow learn to count their blessings.

Based on my research, I have an image that seems to fit the data. All people in life start out climbing a mountain. Somewhere around mid-life we recognize that we have gotten as far up as we are going to get and we start down the other side. For most of human history coming down the mountain was what we did prior to death. Remember, as late as 1910 most all of us died before the age of 50.

However, since then, the life-span has increased dramatically. Rather than being the beginning of the end as most people fear, it is really just the end of the beginning. There is actually a second mountain to climb, the mountain of second adulthood. For most people the climb can help us become more powerful, more passionate, and more productive than at any time of our lives.

I suspect, we all have to go through the valley of midlife before we are able to climb the second mountain. Though we might like to jump from one mountain to the next, we must all come down before we can go up. So enjoy the journey.

I know I hit bottom around 50, my wife somewhat earlier. When did you hit your bottom? What helped you get through it? If you’ve been through the valley, are you happier now than you were then?