New Year – A Time for Change Part 2

So, have you started on those resolutions yet? How’s it going? I truly hope you read and re-read the skills I offered in last week’s blog. They really will help you achieve the results you want.

As promised, today’s posting will talk about change as it pertains to your relationships.
I think that there are a lot of expectations and misperceptions in this area. Hopefully, my writing will help to clarify some of these so you can have a better relationship in 2009!

Some basics to watch out for

First, let’s talk about who the person is that you’re interested in. Truly, the expression, “Love is blind,” is accurate. You don’t necessarily see the person as clearly as others do. If several of your family members and/or friends are reporting a trait in this individual that is of concern, pay attention.

Even if you do notice something about your potential mate and even if it’s not major, many people think that this will change once they are in a committed relationship. The only change that will happen is that you’ll see more of this behavior because the person feels more comfortable and is no longer trying to be on good behavior; so the action comes out more.

Perhaps the biggest mistake that is made is thinking that you will change the other person once you are formally together. Wrong, wrong, wrong! You do not have the right to change another person and this will only lead to resentment. The only one you can change is you and your reactions.

On a more positive note

Let’s move to the positive changes you can make. I truly believe that each person has the power to change how they respond (barring emotional automatic responses from the past that can also be rewired by learning skills from my book, “Mindfulness and The Art of Choice: Transform Your Life). Relationships of every kind are based on the principle of Action = Reaction. So, once you act in a positive, loving way, that’s what you’ll get back.

After working as a relationships expert for 25 years, I’ve helped lots and lots of couples and I’ve witnessed lots and lots of frustrations. Here are some of the things I can tell you about change in your relationship:

1. If you want your relationship to last, you need to prioritize it. Make the change to put it top on your list -- it truly is a matter of its survival.
2. Just changing your partner is not going to make things better. Chances are things will not improve just because you’re with a new person (the divorce rate for re-marriages is 70%).
3. What needs to change is learning skills on attachment, conflict management, respect, and letting-go. (I offer a free teleseminar, “The 7 Tools to Manage Conflict Communication in Your Relationship.” To hear it, go to: http://choicerelationships.com/teleseminar_resources
4. Change, or novelty, in your relationship will really help to revitalize it. Too often a long-term relationship suffers from becoming stale. (My book, “Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last” can offer you some great tips to get you back on track.)
5. Make sure to change your daily routines to include appreciating one another, being generous with compliments, and letting each other know how grateful you are in different ways for each other and what you each do in your partnership.

You may have heard this before, but it bears repeating: One of the definitions of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again the same way and expect a different result. Yes, change can be unsettling … but it can also be sooo rewarding!

I invite all of you to get a free monthly newsletter with relationship tips. To sign up, go to: www.ChoiceRelationships.com