When Somebody's Mad at You

Does it bother you when people get angry at you? That's sure the case for me. While I don't care what people think of me as much as I used to, I still am jarred when people raise their voice at me or send a ferocious email. My whole body goes into "freeze" mode. My heart beats faster, the muscles in my shoulders and belly become tense, and I get still (freeze). In my mind, I'm either justifying whatever I did that upset them, recognizing I need to apologize for something, or noticing (with compassion) that they're experiencing stress that is making them irrational. No matter what my mind does with this attack, my body goes into survival mode. I'm "frozen." I'm not feeling safe, and my nervous system is equipping me with defenses ("freezing" so I appear dead already or go unnoticed). It's an instinctive response that's as ancient as cave people freezing or running to escape the attacks of hungry animals.

What my body needs at this point is reassurance of safety. It does not need alcohol or food, busyness, or some other distraction to quiet down my agitated internal state or to melt my frozen exterior. It needs compassionate reassurance and a redirection of the surge of energy that is pumping through my system.

When a child is upset because a big, barking dog jumped on the child, a loving adult nearby will be quick to hold that child, possibly rocking the child and promising protection - doing some kind of soothing activities to let that the child know that these fears are understood and to help the child restore inner equilibrium.

The same type of response is helpful for us as adults. When under attack, we want someone to understand our terror and anxiety, and our body needs to recalibrate to its normal state. Unlike children, most of us don't have anyone around who will hold or rock us when someone raises their voice at us or sends a stinging email. But we can turn to the compassionate "adult" inside ourselves. That adult reassurance can be expressed in several ways.

First, using soothing words can be helpful. I sometimes say to myself - with heartfelt feeling, "Pat, I'm here for you. No matter what anyone else says or does, I'll take care of you." My inner parent is soothing the scared kid in me. But more than words may be required. Self-rocking, for example, can be very soothing. So can giving "voice" to the stressful feelings, and gradually shifting into empowering language. That voice may show up as words, or it could take the form of movement or sound. I know for myself that it's easy to stay stuck in the "freeze" state, and reassuring self-talk alone isn't always enough to free up the suppressed but intense energy that has bubbled up inside me. So, I may say something like, "I'm scared that so-and-so will run over me, but my feet are firmly planted." I'll get my whole body involved, at first putting my hands up in front of me and backing away to acknowledge the fear, but then stopping to breathe deeply and reconnect with my center, my inner source of power, by straightening my spine, for example, and bringing more volume to my words. I may add, "And I have a right be here" and repeat it several times. The words are important, but getting the whole body involved makes a big difference. I may walk around, life my head up high, stick out my chest - whatever feels like a way of reclaiming my sense of security and safety.

Try this for yourself the next time someone expresses anger toward you. As soon as you can retreat to a safe place, take a moment to acknowledge your feelings and then reclaim your power in some physical way. Then you won't be carrying around the residual of the frightened, angry, resentful feelings in the days ahead. You will have set yourself free.

Author of The Secret Wisdom of a Woman's Body
Visit me at www.patsamples.com