Can You Forgive and Forget?

By now, most of you have most likely read articles or books regarding the concept of forgiveness. And, hopefully, if you've been hurt, you've been able to forgive. Kudos to you!

But, then, there are probably many of you who are still unable to forgive the person who has caused you pain, who has emotionally wounded you. It is for you that I write this blog. I have planned to deal with this subject for a long time because I truly believe that when you do not forgive, you are hurting yourself.

Anatomy of hurt: causes and consequences

There are all kinds of hurts that can occur. Most likely, the emotional ones or the ones that send the message, "You don't matter," are the most devastating. These make you feel unimportant, disrespected, meaningless, and small. They leave scars that are hard to let go of or allow you to get past what the person did to you.

But in reality, there might be a number of reasons this pain was fostered on you. Sometimes, it is actually accidental -- the person might not realize that he or she hurt you. What if I inadvertently forget something about your past and make an insensitive joke that triggers that issue?

Most times, when someone acts in a hurtful way, it's because he or she is in some way emotionally blocked. The majority of people would prefer to act in loving ways; often they don't because their own issues and defenses get in the way. Though that isn't an excuse, I'm offering it as an explanation.

Of course, there are some people who are just out-and-out psychopaths like Hitler. (Being a therapist, I'd like to think that even he had a troubled past that could explain his hideous crimes.)

But regardless of the cause, let's look at the result. I'm reminded of a story of a concentration camp survivor. Certainly, this is an extreme situation of someone getting hurt. Yet, when she was released and asked if she hated Hitler, her reply was, "No, I gave him enough of my life, why should I give him one more minute of it?"

Perhaps we should look at a more typical example: How often have you gotten off the phone with a Customer Service Rep only to be more frustrated, angry, and with no further knowledge than before you placed the call? You hang up and you're stewing. Your body is tight, your hormones are flowing, and you are all stressed out. By now, you certainly know the adverse effects of stress on you. And the Customer Service Rep? Oh, he's fine -- just "attending" to the next person.

What's in a name?

I believe that part of the problem for those of you who have difficulty forgiving is in the actual word, "forgive." As children, we've been taught that when you forgive someone, you excuse them. It implies you let them off the hook or that you can be okay with what the person did to you.

No! You do not have to make the bad behavior acceptable. You do not even have to forget about it, factually. You may even decide not to have any further interactions with the individual who hurt you. What you do want to do is release it from your energy. You want to choose to not have it eat away at your body and nag at your thoughts. You can have the story remain without the "hot buttons." To borrow the phrase from the camp survivor, "Why give this person any more of your time?"

But, as I said earlier, I think if we came up with a different word, it might be easier for people to grab this concept. I've played with this idea for many years. I must confess that language is not my strength. Here's a possibility I came up with: Forblame. I'm open to suggestions. If you come up with an idea that responds to this concept, contact me through my contact form at my website at www.ChoiceRelationships.com.

Let's help each other. Maybe if we took on that kind of attitude, there'd be less need to forblame!

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