Imperfect Perfection in Your Relationships

The other day I was doing a special teaching assignment at one of our local High Schools. I decided to speak to the students about relationships in order to better educate them about what to expect in a long-term commitment.

My presentation certainly wasn't the romanticized version that is so often depicted in our movies and novels. But I also know it was a more realistic view that would better equip them to have a good foundation. I truly believe that if more couples knew what to expect in marriage, there would be far less divorce.

The points

Many of the issues I raised I have spoken about in previous blogs to you. Some of the topics I covered were: not expecting someone to change, accepting that you each come from different backgrounds which will cause you to have different needs, the importance of respecting one another, managing inevitable conflicts, and some communication tools.

There was one idea I spoke about that I want to address in today's post. I don't even really know what to label it -- let's say looking at your relationship at a distance or coming to terms with imperfect perfection. Partnerships are living entities; they ebb and flow. If you look at them too closely, especially on a bad day or during a bad period, you're not getting the whole picture.

An unstable trait

I'm reminded of a client who came back to see me after being married for about a year. She was very concerned because she wasn't feeling the love. I shared with her that I was frightened, too -- the first time that happened with my husband. "The first time?" she queried, "You mean this is normal? No one ever told me that!"

As I told the High School students about this phenomenon, I also expressed to them that sometimes my husband looks really ugly to me. And then, suddenly, his face (and he happens to be a good-looking man), is attractive again. They giggled! Clearly, what changes is not his face, but my perception.

If you only focus on the negative in someone, and then harp on those moments, you will continue to see negativity. If, on the other hand, you can accept the concept that everyone has imperfections, you free yourself to also look at the positive times. And ... I dare say this is a choice you can make!

I was sent an email with a link to a very poignant video that really makes this point. It's rather short so I'm sharing the link with you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nw0s4C0g5SM

And ... a quick personal anecdote will also drive home the idea. Recently, I wasn't feeling so much of the love with my spouse either. Last night, we had plans to go out with dear friends but a migraine prevented me from going. I insisted he join them. When he got home, the migraine passed and I inquired if there were any leftovers. No ... but he had stopped to purchase me some soup and a bagel. Guess what ... he looked especially handsome to me!

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