A Widower Shares His Journey of Coming Out of the Fog

Each widow or widower has a different story, and each goes through healing at a different pace. They should be respected and admired their tenacity and bravery. Some find writing about their ordeal helpful. Dave, a Michigan widower, is putting the finishing touches on a book that chronicles his painful steps after losing his beloved wife. I'll keep you posted on when it is published.

Jerry, 69, Tampa, whose wife died in March, 2003, e-mailed this week with an update on his life: "After my wife passed, I couldn't imagine going out with anyone else. But as the healing process took place, I realized I'm still on this planet, so I might as well make the best of it. God left me here for some reason."

Jerry shared the steps he took to get through the low state he found himself in:

• Accepted the help of a hospice therapist which was offered immediately after my wife is passing. Saw him at my house one hour a week for almost a year. Was able to pour my thoughts and feelings out to him; he was a good sounding board.
• Read many books on death to try to understand what I was going through. The best was The Mourning Handbook (Simon & Schuster, 1995) by Helen Fitzgerald.
• Accepted the help of my daughter in settling all the bills associated with my wife's death.
• Joined the YMCA to get fit. Went from 230 to staying around 200 to 205. Still work out three to four times per week.
• Subscribed to your newsletter, and became very aware that I am not the only one dealing with this change in my life.
• A number of months after it happened, started attending musical events -- and that's where I met Patricia. Meeting her was a great stroke of luck.
• Finally, had to accept the fact that I did all I could to help my wife, but pancreatic cancer still won out.
• Started traveling again with Patricia. So far our trips have included visits to New Orleans, La.; Sedona, Ariz.; Las Vegas, Nev.; a cruise from Florida to Lisbon, Portugal; and spent July, August and half of September at my townhouse outside of London, England.
• Now reading Embracing Uncertainty (St. Martin's Press, 2004). The book makes you aware that TODAY counts; the future is not guaranteed.

Thanks to Jerry for having the guts to live life and to share his journey with us. When readers tell their stories, it helps others. As Jerry said, one of the biggest benefits is knowing that we aren't alone in what we're going through.

Tom Blake is a syndicated columnist in Southern California.