Are You Holding On Too Long?

When she called me "George" several times, we had a little talk. The widow continued to call me George, and she'd even introduce me as George. I left to find a woman who would call me Tom. Another man told me that his wife downloaded a taped message of her deceased husband's voice on their computer. Whenever the computer is turned on, the voice says, "I love you, honey." The man has to hear the deceased husband's voice several times a day. He jokingly told me that when he hears the guy's voice, he checks the living room to be sure the guy didn't return. So, what's wrong with honoring and reminding yourself of your ex-spouse or lover while you're dating or married to another? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Holding on to memories is fine. EXCEPT, do it privately. When you publicly display or discuss your ex in front of your current love, what kind of a message does that send to him or her? You're saying, "I don't care enough about your feelings or that I'm hurting you." You're being selfish and inconsiderate. You haven't adequately let go. John Gray reminds us in Mars and Venus Starting Over (HarperCollins, 2002) that we must first heal before trying to bring a new love into our life. If you keep the memory of the ex around long enough and keep exposing that memory to your current love, one day, your new love might decide that he or she has heard enough, and then your partner will be gone. We all want to feel special in our relationships, and you're not delivering on that premise when you're constantly bringing your ex into the mix. After all, you're a couple, not a threesome. So, if you find yourself doing it -- consciously or unconsciously -- change your ways. You can still honor your ex privately. Tom Blake is a syndicated columnist in Southern California.