By Susanne Veder Berger
Recovering from loss is always a work in progress. I speak from experience. When the marriage I expected would last a lifetime came to an abrupt end, I found myself in the position of having to reinvent myself and support my two children. Then I married again but lost the love of my life in 2010 to an untimely death. Since then I have been delivering my message of hope and self-improvement during presentations to various groups. In the course of doing that, I've found that my 20-minute solution for coping with grief resonates with others. The journey is ongoing, but you can make it possible 20 minutes at a time.
20 minutes of movement For example, walking for 20 minutes several times a day was the key that allowed me to assess my pain and think it through. Small blocks of time in the sunshine with positive music playing on the iPod can do wonders. I found that 20 minutes of this was all it took to put me in a better mood, so no matter that I didn’t feel terrific most days and didn’t want to leave my house, I forced myself to do it every day and I was surprised how much it helped. Suddenly not only was I feeling better, but I was looking better too. I shed that waxy indoor complexion, and then one day I looked in the mirror and I was myself again.
20 minutes of good talk Talking with your family and friends for 20 minutes every day is also important – and not necessarily about your loss. While everybody who goes through a tragedy needs people to talk to about it, I realized that if I kept talking about the same thing over and over eventually my family and friends wouldn’t want to hear it anymore. It was just too depressing. So I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to wake up seven years later and still be talking about the same thing, still be trying to find a reason to justify why my husband was taken from me so soon. When you talk to your family and friends, it’s important to focus on the future so they remain your confidants and not your lifeline.
20 minutes of self-assessment I spent 20 minutes every day taking stock in myself. How was I taking care of myself? Did I need therapy to deal with what had happened? Identify your areas of opportunity and put them in black and white on a piece of paper. I looked at my life and saw that I had all of the freedom and opportunity of a 21-year-old, but I also had a lot more experience and wisdom under my belt. I also knew that I still had a list of things I wanted to do with my life, things I wanted to enjoy. I had forgotten about that list for a while, but it was never really gone – I just needed to look for it. For example, I had always wanted to cook more, so instead of eating out as an escape, I went grocery shopping and cooked my own dinners. That's a small accomplishment, but when you assess yourself the next morning, you’ll already be on your way to overcoming loss.
20 minutes of something new I needed something to keep me busy, so I started taking tennis lessons, something I’ve always wanted to do since I was a child. And tennis made me smile. I have met incredible people playing tennis and those new relationships have helped move me forward.
Sometimes after a loss we take a period of time and isolate ourselves to make ourselves stable. There is no shame in that. But sooner or later, often when things just seem too much to bear, lace up your jogging shoes and get out to the park for 20 minutes. You never know what you might find.
Susanne Veder Berger is an inspirational speaker and expert in building self-esteem at all ages. She is a successful corporate CEO and is the founder of the self-perspective blog, CreateANewLifeWithSusanne.